Bumble, Tinder take your pick, but right now that’s the only way for a single girl to try to find love. You can go to a bar with your girlfriends, but they’re empty!! COVID, figures. You throw your hands in the air and say we’ll have to go somewhere else?
But where is that somewhere else. Social Media? As I look quizzically at my phone in desperation.
Bling! Bling! Bling!
That’s honestly my best attempt at impersonating the messages as they come through the line.
It’s almost like they purposefully pick these guys. A cesspool, my therapist says. I couldn’t agree more.
Post a pretty picture!! Just so they can tear you up when they meet you? Did I, “catfish you?”
Sometimes it’s a, “No!! you look so much better than your pics!” Other times its’ just a catastrophe.
Last week is the prototypical example. I go out, maybe not dressed to impress, but it’s California. Flip flops and a t-shirt gives you the ability to camouflage, fit in with the rest of the beautifully enlightened hippies. I love California.
I sit in my car after I pull into an empty spot amidst an ensilage of other vehicles, I was told wouldn’t be a problem.
I get a text, “Did you just pull in? You’re in the Honda Civic right?”
“Yes, how did you know that?”
“Well you came by in that car and took a look at me in mine.”
I’m thinking, “What?” “Do you have superhuman vision, or are you an expert spotting women in cars looking out at the world?”
“You think you’re hot shit don’t you?” he asks.
I’m super naive so instead of saying, “No that wasn’t me. Sorry. That’s right, I can’t make it.”
I say, “No, actually. I think I’ve gained some weight and I’m not so happy about the outfit I’m wearing.”
Suffice it to say the rest of the night went….swimmingly?
He peed outside in front of a mansion (I dare say was likely not his), after he inundated his lungs in a pound of legal weed. Was it the drugs? Or was he just gross? No, he was a total a…hole, for lack of a better word.
I’d rather not get into the details about what happened later. I honestly don’t remember. All I remember was asking the waitress for more vodka and cranberry. Who wouldn’t??
I kept going like a trooper because it’s our only outlet. Our only outlet. Sad but true. Love in the times of Corona.